7. Monk Mode
If you have made it this far, you have had your opening to quit PMO occur and you have decided to put it down and commit to the process of truly transforming from the man you have been into the man you truly are meant to be. This is where the real work begins, but also where the adventure truly begins, in a few short weeks you will feel massively different than you do right now.
I applaud your courage for deciding to start this journey and commit to massive change within yourself.
After trying a lot of times to quit PMO and failing I have discovered for myself that nothing short of intense self discipline and total commitment to the process works to quit and stay quit. The fact is, that I was willing to go to any length to get my PMO high, and so I must be willing to go to any length to work through my PMO addiction.
Here are the methods I have tried while abstaining from PMO that have eventually always led me back, maybe you relate to some of these methods?
Still allowing bikini girls and hot girl content on social media
Still watching try on hauls on youtube
Still masturbating and using intense sexual fantasy while doing so
Replacing all the time I would be looking at porn with playing video games
Scrolling endlessly on my phone looking for novel content
Using sex toys with masturbation to try to up the ante on intensity
Eating my feelings with bad foods
Sleeping in late, not working out
Replacing all of the time I spent looking at porn with playing video games
Still totally addicted to my screen and doing porn adjacent behaviors, like hunting for dopamine hits through scrolling
Through all of my attempts to quit and my ever worsening relapses I have realized that the only way for me is to go full Monk mode. Between listening to content creators talk about monk mode, reading about No Fap, and lurking on the Porn Free sub Reddit for years, I have developed my own version of monk mode that led me to finally being completely free of PMO and radically changing my life. This can happen to you too, but this is where the true work begins.
Here is the exact monk mode protocol I used to quit PMO, and still use to live my life (more on this in future articles). I recommend you get out your journal and a pen and start making a list of things you need, a schedule, and anything else that comes up as you read through this. There is a lot of information contained below, take a breath, it will all make sense as you start to put things into practice. Perfection is not the goal, but daily progress.
Do the best you can each day, but at the same time do not make excuses for yourself and for your PMO addiction, the time to stop bull shitting yourself is now. Take this process seriously, be ruthless with making positive changes, do not negotiate with your old self, and you will experience dramatic positive changes.
Monk Mode Rules:
Things that are not allowed during monk mode:
No Masturbation or touching yourself (for at least the first 30 days, I will be posting about MO without porn in a future article)
No orgasm (you may have a flat line period when you quit PMO, be grateful for this, it makes the first weeks easier to get through)
No Porn or sexual content in any way shape or form (no bikini girls, no try on hauls, no suggestive ASMR, etc…) Here is the rule I used to be more specific, If I used to use the content to fantasize and jerk off (hot chicks on facebook, instagram, yoga videos, etc..) then it is forbidden
No Movie sex scenes (this was always a classic loophole for me “well it is not technically porn so it does not count” )
No Social media in any form, delete or deactivate all accounts (if you have to use it for work, then only use it for work, Do not bullshit yourself with this, are you all in or not?)
No video games (I still allowed chess on my phone, I play with a friend, that is only one or two moves per day)
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve quit PMO only to jump full on into constant gaming, it does not work long term and the goal is not to replace one screen addiction with another, the goal is get healthy, find your purpose, and build a compelling life.
No news media, no true crime, no mindless entertaining content, anything that makes you feel stressed out, anxious, fearful, or depressed is forbidden. (obviously if there is a real emergency and you need to watch the news that is an exception)
I used to fill my days with streamers, true crime, news media, mindless entertainment, etc.. I realized all of this content adds to my life is wasted time, stress, fear, sadness and anxiety. You will notice a radical change in your outlook when you stop with all of this content. I cannot believe how much more hopeful and positive I have become.
No scrolling on phone for any reason (there were some days I scrolled to shop, or scrolled self help content on youtube, I was not totally perfect, but I also recognized when I was doing it too much and stopped myself)
This one is challenging to break, but it is very important. You are using the same novelty seeking behavior that you used when hunting for the perfect Porn scene. This is porn adjacent behavior that keeps those same neural pathways alive. Do the absolute best you can not to scroll, if you catch yourself stop and do something else. I promise you the screen will lose its power over you, you will get to the point where you feel like scrolling is a waste of time and that you have better things to do.
When Implemented this, I struggled with still scrolling my emails and scrolling on YouTube . I gave myself grace and just stopped myself, this was a process and I had to work on it over a period of 4-6 weeks. Now I hardly scroll at all and even forget where my phone is, I can honestly say I have fully broken my screen addiction.
No sexual fantasies as much as you can help (there were days I really struggled with this, try to keep them minimal, try not to think too much about porn scenes, the goal is to rewire your brain and get those old pathways shut down) the intensity of fantasies will diminish with time. The stricter you are in policing your thoughts early on, the quicker you will make progress.
Things to add during monk mode:
Daily journaling, write about your feelings, fantasies, goals, your day, your frustration. Write about your small wins, your positive feelings, and internal shifts you feel occurring within you as you walk this path. You do not have to be a writing expert to do this, even bullet points or short phrases will work.
Sleep hygiene, it is essential you start to improve your sleep.
Go to bed at the same time every night
No Caffeine 8 or more hours prior to your lights out bedtime
No Screens or blue light 60 minutes prior to bedtime, if you must (like when your partner wants to watch a movie with you) then use blue light blocker glasses.
Darken your room 60 minutes prior to bed. Personally I have an LED bulb I change to red, and the I use an amber reading light to see my book or journal
Try not to eat anything heavy and no more eating atleast 2 hrs before bedtime. 4+ hours with no eating is better.
Sleep in a cool room, heat makes it harder to sleep
Meditation, 15 minutes each day
Download the Insight timer app on your phone, use the timer feature to time your meditations and to track your days.
It does not matter if you feel like you aren’t doing it right, there is no doing it right. Just sit, with a nice stable posture and breath. Try to find the still space between your breaths, when your mind wanders and you notice it wandering, bring your attention back to that still space.
You will get massive results from this practice regardless of how good of a job you think you are doing at it. Just practice no matter what.
Exercise, 3-4 times a week
Make fitness blender account (or use another workout program of your choosing)
Find free videos on fitness blender
Filter for the type of exercises you want, start with short videos if you have been really inactive, a little bit of movement is always better than no movement. Once you have a few weeks of exercise under your belt you will be up to do more, modify as needed. The point is you are now a man who takes care of himself, exercise is the foundation of your health.
Use calendar to set schedule
Execute, personally I like to work out in the morning before my day begins.
Regular exercise will have a dramatic impact on your mood, exercise greatly impacts my mental health for the better.
Enjoy the endorphin high, after a good workout that challenges you may notice an intense endorphin high, enjoy it!
Cold Showers
After you workout and are nice and hot hop into the cold shower to rinse off. Do not negotiate with yourself or try to weasel out of it.
This will not only leave you feeling refreshed, it will also get you in the habit of doing hard and uncomfortable things even when you do not feel like it, this is a critical skill to learn to overcome PMO for good.
I do not do cold showers 100% of the time now, but more days than not I still take a cold shower and I did cold showers for at least the first 30 days straight on monk mode.
Cold showers boost dopamine levels, this combined with a great workout leads to a very nice natural high.
Sauna
If you have access to a dry sauna use it! With dry saunas according to what I have read, shoot for 3-4 20 minute sessions per week at 180-200 degrees Fahrenheit.
Personally I do not have access to a dry sauna so I use an infrared sauna blanket. Typically I do 3-4 60 minute sessions per week. It is not as hot as a dry sauna, but it still makes me sweat a ton and gets my heart rate up. I love listening to self help, motivational, or meditative music content while in the sauna.
This is the sauna blanket I use, I also purchased the blanket inserts which are totally worth it in my opinion. https://shorturl.at/HSqdn
Put your headphones on, listen to either meditative music or self improvement content and enjoy some deep breathing along with lots of sweating.
Attack problems
Look around your environment, if you are anything like me there are problems to be solved and tasks to be completed all over the place. PMO makes everything seem too hard or painful. As you get some days away from it built up and you start taking care of yourself, your energy and focus will return and you will have the energy and strength to deal with the problems around you.
Start making lists of tasks you need to complete
Figure out a shopping list if you need to buy something to complete the task
Watch a tutorial on YouTube if needed
Take care of the problem head on
You will find as the weeks go by your capacity for hard work and problem solving will dramatically improve, I can remember things like doing dishes would feel like a huge ask and burden, I would feel like I’m dying in side as I washed them. Now I do not even think about it I whip the dishes out in minutes and it feels more like an automatic habit than work. I have also become quite handy and fixed all sorts of problems in my home and have come to realize I am more than capable of solving problems, making plans, and doing the work. It makes all the difference in the world not having a constantly fried brain from all the PMO use.
Accountability
Tell everyone you trust what you are doing
Tell your spouse, your parents, your close friends, anyone you trust
Your connections to these people will improve and you will also be airing out your shame which takes power away from the addiction
You do not need to get into the details of your PMO addiction with everyone. Personally I would not sit down with my wife to talk over all the specific porn genres I’ve jerked it too over the years, but I would discuss that with some of my guy friends or my brother. I did tell my wife I have been struggling with porn and that I am fully committed to quitting and working on improving our relationship.
You will be surprised at some of the opportunities for real conversations that will come up, and for how gracious people will be about your quitting PMO. Remember a ton of guys struggle with this issue, it is an epidemic in our society, do not be ashamed of facing it and telling the truth about it.
This is not an area to be skipped, If you’re anything like me you have tried to quit PMO using the lone wolf method many times before and it does not work. You need people to lean on to help you through bad urges, to air out and weaken your shame, and to build real connections with others.
If you need a men’s group because you are low on friends (just like I was, I am now really working on improving this), then I recommend joining this group:
This is the men’s group I attend, I do the twice monthly zoom meetings, I have made multiple friends very quickly and it has been hugely helpful in cementing my positive changes,
Remember you decided you were willing to go to any length to quit PMO for good, you must face your fear of rejection and your insecurity of connecting with other men and walk through it.
Diet
It is critical that you start to eat well and feed your body foods that leave you feeling energized
There are many diets out there and you need to find one that works for you
this is what I do in case you need a starting place
Prioritize protein and healthy fats
Do organic foods as much as you can
Focus on whole foods and products with minimal ingredients
Limit carbohydrates
No soda or sugary drinks
Limit sweets as much as possible
Limit seed oils as much as possible
Take supplements as needed
Inspirational Reading
Add morning and night time reading to your day. Choose self help or spiritual books that help inspire you, ground you and help you grow.
Personally I do I daily devotional, that includes reading a few passages out of the Bible, and then I add self help books that seem interesting as well.
Affirmations
Get a pack of index cards and write affirmations, things that you need to hear that will help you in this journey. These will change over time which is ok, just write what is on your heart now. Read these in the morning and at night before bed. Place them on your mirror, or in your car, or wherever you need to see them.
here are some examples of affirmations I have used
I recognize my addiction triggers and deploy countermeasures immediately without hesitation
I am not a porn user any more
I am a worthwhile man and I have lots to offer
I am not ashamed of my sexuality, It is ok to have sexual energy
It is not about never being tempted, it is about never being ruled
YouTube Videos
Personally I love YouTube, it is a great resource for self improvement content. I do not actually watch YouTube videos to limit the visual stimuli, but I listen to them. Especially during the first 30 days of monk mode I bombarded myself with self improvement and NoFap content. I would recommend you do the same. Anytime you would be reaching for your phone for entertainment, or you would be watching mindless YT videos, pick something educational instead.
Prayer and Church
If you are or want to be a part of a religious body then by all means do this too, attend services as needed.
Pray daily, be vulnerable, say it like it is
You do not have to pray to a specific God, pray to the universe, pray to nature, etc.. Just practice prayer, it will help keep you grounded.
This is my entire monk mode protocol. For the first 90 days I would be very strict with this protocol. Do it the way it is written, do not give yourself any leeway or allow excuses to enable inaction. If you are serious about crushing your PMO addiction that has been insidious in your life for many years, then you have to take dramatic disciplined action. If you stick to this plan just how I have laid it out, in 30 days from now you will look back and be shocked at how much you have changed and how much more life you have unlocked.
What I found for myself is that I got in touch with my true essence again, I didn’t even know myself anymore, and I reconnected with myself in a way I didn’t even know was possible. I have become more confident, I am able to talk to all sorts of people men and women alike, I feel like my opinion matters and I have something to give, I am much healthier, my energy level is high, my focus is very sharp, my problem solving ability is on another planet, my ability to work hard and do difficult tasks has greatly improved, I have found my love for writing again, I have real pleasure in my life from simple things (sitting out in the sun, reading, writing, having a deep conversation). In other words I have gotten myself back, I have gotten my life back, and I feel like I am really living an adventurous life. I had no idea how life stealing my PMO addiction was until I became fully rewired, you will be shocked to.
Note: You will find your rhythm with this protocol as time goes on. You may find you want to adjust certain things, or nix certain things, this is fine so long as you genuinely know it is right to do. For instance I always read a stack of affirmations in the morning and at night, over time I trimmed the amount down and found I didn’t need to do a huge stack for it to be effective. I also found that going to church, though grounding, isn’t as helpful to me as the men’s group I attend, so I prioritize the men’s group over church. It is ok to make modifications so long as you are not giving yourself excuses not to take action. You have to be honest with yourself about this, if you are in doubt do not change it until you are sure.
You can do this, take it one day at a time, make the decision each day to abstain from PMO and to be willing to face whatever you have to to ensure that happens. I will see you on the other side!
